Ok, so it would be impossible to detail everything that's been going on since last I wrote since I've been a a big failure at keeping up with this blog. In a nutshell: I had a sort of difficult time adjusting to my new life outside of Orientation. Suddenly I was plunged into the "real" Korea and I felt pretty alone. I also am really shy when I first meet people and I'm generally kind of a quiet person so I think my homestay family and the teachers at my school thought I didn't like them or something. I was also incredibly exhausted from Orientation, and honestly I think by the end of it we were all a little sick of each other. Thus, I didn't really have the necessary energy to reach out to people and be outgoing and everything. Because I'm not naturally outgoing, it kind of takes a lot out of me to be doing that and I felt like I was always doing that during Orientation.
Now that I'm finally settled in and (relatively) comfortable, I've had a little bit more time to reflect and I've realized that I've had to adjust (actually, continuing to adjust) on so many levels:
Level 1: Culturally-simply put, there are some major cultural differences. And while some things are easier to swallow than others, it's obviously not always smooth sailing. Example: being politically correct is, shall we say, less emphazised here than in Ameria. Koreans will say things that make a bleeding-heart Liberal like myself blush bright red. For example, after I told my homestay mother about my half-Japanese, half-American friend who's currently in Japan, she proceeded to tell me that the Japanese are terrible and have done terrible things to Korea. Then she offered to take me to the city hall museum dedicated to the Japanese occupation. For another, they're always referring to me at school as the "foriegn/native" teacher. Everyone else is just "Teacher" but I am the "Foreign" Teacher. I'm also never "Korean" but the "Korean-American." And I feel more constrained in my actions here.
There are many cultural standards to follow, especially if you're a young woman who looks Korean. Showing your shoulder is a no-no (although some girls do it anyway). Wearing super-short skirts, however, seems to be more acceptable. Women aren't supposed to drink a lot of alcohol in public. Women are also never supposed to smoke in public. It's pretty rare to see a Korean woman smoking in public. It's a pretty big no-no. Men, however, smoke whenever and wherever they want. Things like that, where the gender differences are so obviously apparent can be difficult to swallow for me sometimes, as a woman and a feminist. But at the same time, I try not to compare and judge too much because honestly, it's not like America is so perfect either. As with everything, there are some really good things about Korea that I would like to see in America, and some really good things about America that I would like to see in Korea.
Moreover, Koreans put a great deal of emphasis on appearances, not just physical appearances but on everything--a common sight here is storeowners sweeping the street in front of thier stores. Likewise, rare indeed is the Korean household that is not immaculately clean (in fact, I doubt they even exist). Part of that emphasis on appearances is also a cultural expectation of service, which makes complete sense when you conisder that hierarchy is still very important to Koreans. In other words, both the emphasis on appearances and the emphasis on hierarchy (respect for elders is extremely important, there's even three different levels of formality embedded within the Korean language itself, one being casual, the second, formal, and the third very formal. What form you use depends on your age in relation to whom you're talking to or about. I know, kind of confusing and I barely know how to use the three forms myself) means there is also a great deal of expectation on the part of people in the service industry. Stores are almost always super-clean, salespeople friendly but aggressive. In fact, you can't escape them.
It has turned shopping into an ordeal for me beause I prefer to just browse and be left alone. Unforunately, this is nearly impossible to do in Korea beacuse salespeople feel like they have to constantly be at your service. Sometimes it's nice, like when you want help but most of the time I don't need it. Especially when I'm shopping for clothes, I like to just see what's in the store and not be bothered. Salespeople in Korea don't understand this concept and I think it weirds them out when I firmly tell them (in Korean, of course) "No , I'm not looking for anything, just browsing thanks."It's because Korean customers will usually gladly accept thier suggestions and want to be helped and so for me to refuse it is probably a bit rude. At the same time, I really don't like Korean clothes. I mean there's nothing horribly wrong with them, they're just not to my liking. I was really picky with clothes in the US and I'm even more so here. The most frustrating thing about the clothes here is that clothes are either fairly cheap (but also made of cheap material) or really expensive (and usually of a better quality) but there's no middle range. This is the range I'd usually shop in when I was in the States, clothes of a better quality but not the most expensive or cheapest. This, unfortunately, does not exist in Korea.
Anyway, Korean clothes tend to be very, very girly. Like postively dripping with bows, ribbons, sparkles, extra bunches of fabric, brooches, pins, and other interesting accoutrements. They also do funky things with the shirt like attach scarves or even necklaces to the front. It's like Koreans don't believe in that good ole saying "less is more"--some shirts I'd like minus all the extra things that, in my opinion, uglify the shirt. I've had to hunt for plainer shirts, which is harder than you might think. I've also been trying to find a decent hair clip but again, it seems here the blingier the better. Again, not my style. So let's just say, I don't have much a wardrobe right now and probably won't be buying many clothes while I'm here. Which I guess is good because it's forcing me to save money.
Level 2= Post-grad life--this is my first job out of college so I'm getting used to not going to classes anymore but teaching them. I'm getting used to waking up early and going to bed early. I'm getting used to having responsibilites and managing my schedule. I'm getting used to being treated like an adult (though many people comment often on how young I look--I've been mistaken for a high school student like a million times already). I'm getting used to not being in college anymore. I feel like I have to keep reminding myself "you're an adult now." It's strange. It's especially strange being away from all my actual college friends and being in a foreign country whilel all this is going on. Although in some way, it almost makes it easier because being here is like a distraction which is good because I think I would have otherwise really missed college.
On the other hand, I think in the eyes of many of my co-workers and fellow teachers, I'm practically like another student to them because I'm by far the youngest teacher at my school. The other "young" teachers are about 26-30 years old and then there's a bunch of pretty old teachers. Also my homestay mother and uncle both sort of treat me like I'm younger than I am. My hometstay mom has gotten a lot better actually, once I showed her I could get around on my own and that I really don't need or want anyone to be holding my hand (although she has held my hand-literally-in public before). I do my own laundry, occasionally wash the dishes, and have been on several short trips away, taking the train by myself. I mean the other thing is that I'm not completely clueless and I do know enough Korean to get around. I may not be able to speak it fluently, but compared to some of the other people in my program, I'm in a much easier position. In fact, I've tried hinting and finally telling my uncle that I AM AN ADULT. I lived on my own during college, went around cities by myself before, and I can figure things out for the most part, on my own. I know he's just trying to look out for me but honestly, does he think I just sit at my apartment every weekend and have my homestay mom walk me to the store or bus stop everytime I need to go somewhere? Hardly. So I wish he would understand that I'm neither a child nor an idiot and that I also do have a whole support network (fellow teachers, my co-teacher, my homestay family, etc.) who can help me IF I need it.
Level 3= Homestay Life--this is my first homestay experience. Not only that but I've had to adjust to living with parents again. Granted, I have some indpendence and stuff like that, but I eat whatever my homestay mom cooks for me. I have to always let her know if I don't plan on coming to dinner or if I'm going away for the weekend. It's also weird living with another family in general because every family has their own little quirks and things that is perfectly normal for them but might be a little strange for an outsider like me. So I've had to get used to having to answer to someone about my whereabouts and having a sort of curfew again. It's not terrible though because I'm too tired and busy to be going out partying all the time anyway. It's more that sometimes I wish I could just make dinner or breakfast for myself. Or do other things like that that would make me feel more like an "adult". Sometimes I feel like my homestay mom thinks I'm another high school daughter she has to take care of so I try to show my independence as much as I can. I'm also getting used to having a younger pseudo-sibling since I was the youngest in my own family. But I like it because I'm not really responsible for her like a real sister but I can do things like take her out to eat and hang out with her. On the other hand, I do feel like I have to a role model for her and I know that the host mom expects as much from me.
Level 4= Identity-wise--being a Korean-American in Korea is a friggin' surreal experience. I don't even know who or what I am anymore because I'm not "Korean" enough to be Korean but I certainly don't fit the Korean idea of "American" (i.e. white skin) either. Sometimes I feel like I'm more Korean, like when I speak Korean and don't get questioned about where I'm from or why I can't speak Korean well, etc. Sometimes I feel super-American, especially when I'm at school and the students ask me a million questions about America or when I'm at home with my homestay mom who also asks me to constantly compare the two countries ("Does American corn taste better than American corn?" "No" "Aren't Korean grapes better than American ones? "Yes." "What do Americans say to excuse themselves when they've passed gas?" "Ummmm....haha.....uh....nothing really." "Don't Americans eat hamburgers and pizza everyday?" "Um, no.") .
But most of the time I feel like I'm just right in between being Korean and America. Although some theorists/academics have questioned the literal label of "Korean-American" (hypen? no hypen? some other alternative symbol? why not "American-Korean?" etc.) I feel like that hypen is the perfect expression of exactly where I am right now in terms of my identity. For me, the hyphen is important because it directly connects my two identies, which are not separate and discrete for me but always like an interlocking puzzle without a solution. Sometimes I can slip through the cracks and walk along the streets just like all the other Koreans and pass by without notice but then usually something will happen that will remind me that I'm not really Korean as when I try speaking in Korean to someone and they'll instantly recognize I'm a "gyopo" (a Korean born and raised in a foriegn country).
But when people want to know certain things about America and I can't answer them because I don't know (my parents are Korean immigrants) then I feel like I'm not really American. I can't offer the stereotypical American experience for them which is after all, what they're expecting from an American. But this, of course, is from the Korean point of view, because they don't quite understand I think (and this, of course is a major generalization that isn't true of all Koreans) how multicultural America is and also because what they see and hear about America is usually from a white-dominated media, their idea of America is the stereotypical "white America" which, of course, is really only half the story. And so, while I do feel sorry that I can't offer them that particualr American experience that they're expecting from a foreigner, I do think it's good that I can perhaps, complicate their idea of what it means to be American or even what it means to be multicultural. Korea is a fairly homogenous country, which is an interesting change of pace from America. Although because I live in a city, there are actually quite a number of foreigners here besides myeself although they seem to keep to themselves mostly.
It's funny because I had prepared myself for exactly this issue, as in I knew this would happen before I even came to Korea but it's still so different when you're actually dealing with this issue each and everyday.
On a funnier note, I think some Koreans think I'm slow or something, as in I have a mental problem because my Korean is obviously not perfect and I use pretty simple vocabulary and grammar. I've had several salespeople and other Koreans start speaking very slowly and loudly to me which is let me tell you, really annoying because there's nothing actually wrong with me. Or they start trying to speak English with me, which I sincerely appreciate, but it kind of defeats the purpose of me trying to speak Korean as much as I can since I hardly speak it (the school asked me not to speak it at all at school or with my homestay sister). But I'm also trying to get over my hesitation to speak Korean because I always feel extremely self-conscious whenever I speak it.
This would be the result of my Korean friends in the states, both Korean-Americans and Koreans from Korea who would always make fun of my (admitedly terrible) Korean. Maybe they didn't think it was a big deal, but shit like that lasts with you. It really made me reject learning Korean even more so and so I never tried to get better. But the friends I've made in Korea are great because they never put me down because of my "bad" Korean and they've told me I'm actually good (which I don't believe) but it's nice to hear. And it helped my confidence that during Orientation I was decent enough to get placed into the Intermediate class. Anyway, actually I thought it would be a lot worse in Korea with people constantly ridiculing my Korean, but once I tell them that I'm from America they understand and don't say anything bad. Which is really nice actually. And I think they like to see that I'm trying to use Korean, however incorrect it is. And also, that I've come back to the "Motherland."
The other thing is that once Koreans realize I'm from America, they want my whole life story--where I lived, where my parents are from in Korea, if they were born here, what they do for a living, what I'm doing in Korea, etc. It's happened so often already that it almost makes me want tp print up a t-shirt with my story on it and I'd just wear it around everywhere and just point at the shirt when they started asking questions. It would say: "Yes, I'm a gyopo. Yes, my parents were born and raised in Korea. Yes, they live in America now. I'm in Korea as an English teacher. I'm a high-school teacher at an all-girls school. Yes, Korea is much better than America." The last one is not sonething I entirely agree with (of course) but what Koreans expect me to answer. One thing I've realized about Koreans--give them the answer they want. I think I slipped up in the beginning because when asked by my vice-principal if it was hard teaching and everything and I said "a little bit" I think he was a little taken aback that I was honest. I've realized since then that I really should've just said "no, it's going great!" with a big smile on my face. Which is how I answer him now. And I think he likes that a lot better.
So that's a snapshot of what I'm going through right now (let's not even get into the huge life decions facing me, studying for LSAT's, etc.). Next post, I'm going to rewind and talk about my 1st day of school.
random thought...
15 years ago
