The Hell that was High School

I'm gonna go on a tangent now. Mostly because I'm tired of thinking about Korea all the time and I'm a little tired of being here right now. But also because if there's one experience that really shaped me, it was my horrible high school experience. When I tell people about it, I don't think they ever really believe me when I say how terrible it was. And to a certain degree, I can understand that. There are plenty of people who hated high school besides me but I think that for most people, high school was just ok (unless you were one of those mofo's who actually liked high school). And it's hard to convey the absolute suckiness that was my high school if you didn't go there. I'll admit that while my hormones and general teenage angsty-ness certainly had something to do with my hatred, looking back on it I think I would have hated it no matter what.

For one, I was constantly under a ton of pressure to do well, a pressure I felt from literally everyone around me--my family, my friends (who also were competing with me in some respects), and my peers who would make these little comments to me or pigeonhole me as the "nerdy, smart Asian." Not to mention the pressure I put on myself to do well. Ironically, I must say it was mostly out of my very hatred for my high school that drove me to do well. The light at the end of the tunnel for me was knowing that I would one day be attending a top-ranked college and that most of my classmates would not be. Petty? Yes. But I know I'm not the only person who felt this way about their high school classmates. But I'll say this time and again: being able to get good grades in high school is really not about being "smart." It's mostly about memorizing information, time management and following orders. And I happened to be good at all those things.

Anyway, you're probably wondering why I hated my school so much. It really was because of the people who went to my school. While there were a few people who were ok, the vast majority of people who attended my school were rich, spoiled, snobby kids who didn't care about anything but themselves. And the kids who weren't rich sure tried to act like they were. Even then the whole thing disgusted me. For one, I never understood the whole "popular" clique thing. I mean they were all practically clones of each other, wearing the same ugly yet trendy clothes, sickeningly orange spray tans and those godawful Uggs. If you have money, my god, why don't you buy some better clothes??? That's one thing that really drives me crazy--if you've got the money but you still dress like crap. Anyway, I never, ever wanted to be friends with these people and I kept my distance from them as much as possible. And for the life of me I couldn't understand why there was so much hype about these uninteresting, not very intelligent, nor witty, nor charming group of people. I remember I had to suppress a laugh when some of the
"it" girls of my high school would come in wearing 4-inch stilettos. Like, really? Who are you trying to impress?

Then there were all the wanna-bes. Which in a way, I thought was even worse-trying so hard to be something that isn't even worth imitating. Then there was everyone else. I felt mostly throughout my high school career that I fit in absolutely nowhere. I wasn't goth or punk, I wasn't a complete nerd, I wasn't "Korean enough" for the Koreans, etc. etc. I felt like I was always trying to find my way, my people but neither were to be found at my high school. While I had friends, I had less and less as the years went by, partly because of typical differences that drive people apart but mostly because I began to see people's true colors. And I didn't really like what I saw. I began to see just how different I was from everyone else (people at my school thought it was absolutely strange that I actually enjoyed reading The New York Times everyday and that I in fact, hated Uggs--and still do). I was always looking forward to the future (my God I couldn't wait for graduation) and I knew that high school was just a stepping stone for me. For other people, high school was it. Which I think is way worse. I mean, to peak that young, that early can't be good.

By the time my high school prom rolled around, I thought "screw it--why am I gonna waste all this money and time to go to a lame dance with a bunch of people I don't even like?" So I didn't go. I didn't even really consider going. And I honestly don't regret it at all. I don't think I would have enjoyed myself if I went and I probably wouldn't have let myself enjoy it really. For some reason, this always surprises people. Maybe I'm the weird one, but I don't see what the big effin' deal is. It's a glorified high school dance. That's it.

So recently I was invited to my high school's facebook group. And I hesitated, actually, more like mulled over whether or not to join. I know, such a stupid thing to waste time thinking about but I was really torn because part of me wanted to get a glimpse into what my former classmates were up to (did all my predictions come true?) but part of me really wanted to bury those 4 years of my life forever. But in the end, I cracked and joined. And I have gotten some admitedly smug satisfaction looking at my former classmate's tiny pictures (since I'm not facebook friends with most of them, of course) and even in those small sizes I can tell that many of them are not aging well. Many have gained a significant amount of weight (perhaps all that binge drinking they've been engaging in since high school?) and damn, it shows. Many do not look nearly as attractive as they did in high school (perhaps all that fake tanning they've been doing since high school?) And many of them just look old and haggard (perhaps from too much partying?). And yes, as terrible as it sounds, it does make me feel good. I know for a fact that I look better now than when I was in high school. I mean, that's not actually saying much since I didn't have time to really care how I looked in high school and it definitely showed (let's just say, the eyebrows weren't tweazed, the legs weren't always clean-shaven, the hair was usually a mess, the eyes always had dark shadows, I was a bit chubbier then, and my fashion sense definitely hadn't developed then). But I definitely grew more into my face, which was still very much a baby face when I was in school. I lost some weight (no dieting, just started eating healthier). And the rest of the grooming is good now, I think. Basically, I feel like I hit my true adolescence later than everyone else. But I'd prefer looking better now than in high school.

I know I'm not the only one who secretly likes seeing people they formerly disliked not looking their best. I know, I know, it's mean, it's petty, but it makes me feel like all the pain, all the crap I had to go through in high school was totally worth it. While I wasn't exactly bullied or anything serious like that, I still got a lot of crap. I had "friends" back stab me, people saying the most ignorant things to me, oh and people using me. Oh god I absolutely hated group projects. Especially when you couldn't choose who you could work with. I'd usually end up with the slackers or worse, and because everyone knew I was gunning for the top, they knew I'd do all the work anyway. Which is usually what ended up happening. Even if the other members did try to contribute it wasn't usually "A" material. So I'd do it all by myself to ensure a good grade. It killed me that everyone else would get a good grade because of me. But so it goes.

I could go on and on but I'm sure everyone has thier own bitter high school stories. All I can say is thank god for an amazing college experience that really made all that hard work and torture that was high school for me pay off. Corny and cliched as it sounds, I really felt like I "found" msyelf, my people and my way in college. So, as bitter as I still am about high school, in the end I know it was the tradeoff for having a good college experience. And to me, it wasn't such a bad tradeoff after all.

Letting the Dust Settle

So I'm far too behind in my blogging. There are so many notes I've written that somehow never turned into actual written posts. I feel like I just keep getting busier and busier, but now that I have a nice long break before school starts up again, I'm gonna try really hard to catch up. And stick to writing a post at least once a week.

Let's begin with the present and work our way back. I came back from a much-needed trip to Japan 2 weeks ago and I really loved it. Everything was super clean, people were pretty friendly and the food was pretty good. Only bad thing was the currency exchange between the Korean won and the yen is absolutely horrible now so I got kinda screwed with that but honestly it was totally worth it for me. I needed a break from Korea and Japan was perfect for that. In fact, I'd say Japan now is where Korea will probably be in the next 20-30 years. Not that Korea is horribly behind or anything, I mean it's really amazing how much progress they've made in such a short period of time, but I guess sometimes I forget that Korea is still a developing country rather than a developed country.

I probably should explain why I was (and still a little bit am) so eager to leave Korea. I've been feeling pretty homesick lately. I haven't been this far away from home for this long ever. So it's definitely a rather new experience for me. And I'm pretty sick of my school, the teachers, not having my own apartment to live in, not even being able to enjoy shopping anymore. Shopping! I mean I LOVE shopping--but not in Korea. I can't even stand it anymore. I'm just so sick of being bothered by overly aggressive salespeople who really cannot or will not take a hint. I know it's partly cultural, but if I tell you twice politely that I don't need your help and thus do not want your help, why do you keep trying to offer it? And the thing is if these damn salespeople think they know what I like better than I do, but they're dead wrong.

I'm an extremely picky person--I don't just buy anything, especially when it comes to clothes, shoes and bags. If I don't like everything about it--the color, the cut, the quality, the design, the price, the fit, if even one of those things is off, than I probably won't buy it. Unless it's pretty cheap or something, than I might consider buying it. But I really don't budge. And these salespeople think they can sway me by making me feel guilty--but it ain't gonna happen because not only am I picky as hell but I'm also rather frugal. I don't shell out full price on anything unless it's really amazing, unique, necessary, etc.

Speaking of, I did buy a pretty expensive leather bag the other day. But it was pretty much exactly what I've been looking for for a long time now--a black leather satchel with some detailing but not too much, about medium size. And so for me, it was totally worth it to shell out. Actually it's the first time I've bought such an expensive thing for myself. Because that's the other thing. I don't really like spending too much money on myself. I really don't. Unless it's like a leather bag, or a nice pair of heels, both of which I think are investments and therefore worth the money. When it comes to presents for other people, I tend to be a lot more generous--the way I think it should be.

Anyway, besides petty annoyances like that, I also had kind of a big blowout with my school. I finally got up the courage to ask about the possibility of receiving extra compensation for the extra hours I've been teaching and my co-teacher laughed. To my face. And then when he saw that I was serious, he right away told me "No." The thing that drives me up the friggin' wall with my co-teacher is that he lies to me. He tried to tell me there's no money in the budget, which is certainly possible, but instead of saying "oh but let me see what I can do" he just says "no." That's what pisses me off. Of course I'm aware that the school isn't rich, they're constantly reminding me of it. But he could do his job and ask the people who actually know about the budget instead of completely shooting me down.

I just felt so used at that moment. Like they're just trying to get the most work out of me at the cheapest price. Add on to that the fact that he never wants to stick to the contract and complains if I bring it up. But without that goddamn contract, I have nothing. So of course I'm gonna use it. And also, it's not like any of this should be a surprise since the school and my co-teacher got the contract way in advance of my arrival. The other thing is that I'm not exactly getting paid that much in the first place. I'm under a fellowship and getting paid less than what I could get as a regular foreign teacher. Add on to that the fact that I have to buy my own supplies for any activities I want to do (which adds up really fast when you have about 240+ students) and you can see why I might want some extra money.

So now I feel extremely bitter towards the school. I've lost my goodwill really and I've even started to dread going there. For one thing, it's always super freezing there. For another, I really don't want to see my co-teacher. I don't even try to hide my disdain anymore. What is he gonna do, fire me? I'm probably one of the best native English teachers they've had in awhile. And actually that's not saying all that much because many of the foreign teachers here are a joke. Many come here not because they want to teach but because they can't get a job back in the States or something like that. Also the principle of the school loves me so if my co-teacher tried to fire me I'm pretty sure he'd get shot down pretty quickly.

And I hate feeling this way because it really just hurts the students in the end. But I tried so hard and the school really doesn't appreciate or even acknowledge it. So I've resigned myself to just getting by. I know that's not the best work ethic but for the sake of my sanity I can't do it anymore. I can't keep bending over backwards for a school that doesn't seem to even care one way or another. I mean that doesn't mean I'm just not gonna do anything at all, I'll still try to be a good teacher but only for the students and only inside the classroom. Any extra things the school might try to get me to do, I'm not going to and I don't want to.

The irony is, of course, that my school is obsessed with foreign teachers, they feel it's an absolute necessity to have one. But when they get one, no matter how good or bad, they treat us the same. Like we're disposable and replaceable things that have come only to serve as teachers and have no other ambitions, desires, or lives outside of school. If we're so necessary, why treat us like we're not? I'm not saying we should be put on a special pedestal or anything, but just treat us with some understanding and respect. There are going to be misunderstandings, cultural barriers, and tension but those problems aren't necessarily insurmountable ones.

I've also gotten quite tired of the teachers at my school, especially the male teachers. Actually I pretty much don't like any of them. One got all petty and immature because I rejected him (as in he has a GIRLFRIEND but still asked me out), another got all petty and immature because I "showed" my anger to him (it was already a BAD day and he literally shooed me away from my own classroom like I was a child-in front of my students-I might add because they were using it for something when no one had bothered to tell me and he didn't even explain, just shooed me away) and another one made the most unbelievable comment to one of my fellow young, female teachers. In order to understand the context of the comment, you need to know that for the past few years at my high school, an all girls school, there have been these weird, creepy guys who would come to the school at night (when the students have "self-study" which is until around 9pm) and would flash the girls. Like full-frontal. And of course the girls were scared (and probably grossed out). The school's solution? Have the lone teacher on duty to supervise the students also "patrol" the area.

Ok, first of all, sometimes there are 2 flasher guys who come together, so already the teacher is at a disadvantage. Secondly, a young, female teacher supervising alone is probably NOT a good idea. But it still happened anyway. Thirdly, what exactly can the teacher do to protect the students? They don't have a weapon, they're not trained in self-defense, I mean they have like nothing. So my fellow teacher was talking to another teacher about the situation and mentioned that she was worried about what could happen to her if she was alone, supervising and the men came. They could attack her or worse, rape her. Do you know what this male teacher said in response? That a woman getting raped is the same as when a male teacher feels "sick." I mean first of all, WTH? How does that even compare? I mean I'm not sure how you can compare rape to anything but especially that comparison is so unbelievably problematic. Rape is usually done by men to women. Rape is about power and the dynamics of gender power undoubtedly play a role for many men. So for a man to sit there and say that he could even comprehend rape for a woman or even dare compare it to "feeling sick" just made me see these male teachers just don't get it. I mean even in the cultural context of Korea where the gender dynamic still very much favors men over women, that's still a pretty incredible thing to say. Needless to say, the female teacher was pretty appalled herself.

Do you see? Do you see what I have to put up with? I mean there's being sexist, and then there's this.

That's my school in a nutshell. Oh there's been lots of other drama but I think you get the point now. Anyway, I'll keep updating but more like backtracking and hopefully will catch up by the time my vacation is over. **Crossed fingers**