Holding Cell

The thing about being in a long distance relationship is that more than missing the person all the time, more than feeling like every visit with the other person mustn't be wasted--not even one second, more than feeling like you're sometimes in some sort of weird phantom relationship, is that it just feels like your relationship has been placed on hold. It's really the best way to describe it, at least for my situation.

When K and I agreed to keep our relationship going after college, we knew it'd have to be long distance. We'd both agreed that it'd be best not to make huge future plans based on each other. I think we both wanted to be realistic about the situation--neither of us wanted to make decisions that we'd regret and might blame the other person for that decision. Things change. People change. Feelings change. At the end of the day you need to make decisions that are best for you, not someone else, because ultimately you're the person who has to live with those decisions. And the last thing I'd want is for K to make a decision based around me and then end up severely regretting it. Even if he never actually admitted to feeling this way, I think a small part of him would (I mean anyone would, wouldn't they?). And I wouldn't want it the other way around either, where I might end up resenting K for a decision that really I made myself. I do have a tendency (a very bad tendency) to blame others.

Things kind of worked out in the end although I suppose not really because we're still doing the long distance thing. But it hasn't been as terrible as I thought. It's been hard, sure, but maybe we're both in denial or something but we're making it work. We do our best to talk everyday via Skype (God, I love Skype). We keep up with each other's lives--our annoying co-workers, workplace blunders, our daily routine, etc. etc. We also don't do the "it's ok to hook up with people thing" because I just don't see the point. In my opinion, once you reach that stage in the relationship, you might as well end it. If you want to hook up with other people so badly, just do it, but don't hold on to a relationship while doing it. Because you're just screwing yourself in the end. You can't have both.

The one thing I miss, besides being able to actually hug K and see him everyday, is that we can't have deep converstions anymore. It's too hard trying to do serious talks on Skype or over the phone. It just doesn't work. Which is why we keep our conversations on the lighter side of things. It sucks because that's how you really get to know a person and how a relationship develops. But I'd rather be in this holding cell with K than have no relationship with him at all.