Letting the Dust Settle

So I'm far too behind in my blogging. There are so many notes I've written that somehow never turned into actual written posts. I feel like I just keep getting busier and busier, but now that I have a nice long break before school starts up again, I'm gonna try really hard to catch up. And stick to writing a post at least once a week.

Let's begin with the present and work our way back. I came back from a much-needed trip to Japan 2 weeks ago and I really loved it. Everything was super clean, people were pretty friendly and the food was pretty good. Only bad thing was the currency exchange between the Korean won and the yen is absolutely horrible now so I got kinda screwed with that but honestly it was totally worth it for me. I needed a break from Korea and Japan was perfect for that. In fact, I'd say Japan now is where Korea will probably be in the next 20-30 years. Not that Korea is horribly behind or anything, I mean it's really amazing how much progress they've made in such a short period of time, but I guess sometimes I forget that Korea is still a developing country rather than a developed country.

I probably should explain why I was (and still a little bit am) so eager to leave Korea. I've been feeling pretty homesick lately. I haven't been this far away from home for this long ever. So it's definitely a rather new experience for me. And I'm pretty sick of my school, the teachers, not having my own apartment to live in, not even being able to enjoy shopping anymore. Shopping! I mean I LOVE shopping--but not in Korea. I can't even stand it anymore. I'm just so sick of being bothered by overly aggressive salespeople who really cannot or will not take a hint. I know it's partly cultural, but if I tell you twice politely that I don't need your help and thus do not want your help, why do you keep trying to offer it? And the thing is if these damn salespeople think they know what I like better than I do, but they're dead wrong.

I'm an extremely picky person--I don't just buy anything, especially when it comes to clothes, shoes and bags. If I don't like everything about it--the color, the cut, the quality, the design, the price, the fit, if even one of those things is off, than I probably won't buy it. Unless it's pretty cheap or something, than I might consider buying it. But I really don't budge. And these salespeople think they can sway me by making me feel guilty--but it ain't gonna happen because not only am I picky as hell but I'm also rather frugal. I don't shell out full price on anything unless it's really amazing, unique, necessary, etc.

Speaking of, I did buy a pretty expensive leather bag the other day. But it was pretty much exactly what I've been looking for for a long time now--a black leather satchel with some detailing but not too much, about medium size. And so for me, it was totally worth it to shell out. Actually it's the first time I've bought such an expensive thing for myself. Because that's the other thing. I don't really like spending too much money on myself. I really don't. Unless it's like a leather bag, or a nice pair of heels, both of which I think are investments and therefore worth the money. When it comes to presents for other people, I tend to be a lot more generous--the way I think it should be.

Anyway, besides petty annoyances like that, I also had kind of a big blowout with my school. I finally got up the courage to ask about the possibility of receiving extra compensation for the extra hours I've been teaching and my co-teacher laughed. To my face. And then when he saw that I was serious, he right away told me "No." The thing that drives me up the friggin' wall with my co-teacher is that he lies to me. He tried to tell me there's no money in the budget, which is certainly possible, but instead of saying "oh but let me see what I can do" he just says "no." That's what pisses me off. Of course I'm aware that the school isn't rich, they're constantly reminding me of it. But he could do his job and ask the people who actually know about the budget instead of completely shooting me down.

I just felt so used at that moment. Like they're just trying to get the most work out of me at the cheapest price. Add on to that the fact that he never wants to stick to the contract and complains if I bring it up. But without that goddamn contract, I have nothing. So of course I'm gonna use it. And also, it's not like any of this should be a surprise since the school and my co-teacher got the contract way in advance of my arrival. The other thing is that I'm not exactly getting paid that much in the first place. I'm under a fellowship and getting paid less than what I could get as a regular foreign teacher. Add on to that the fact that I have to buy my own supplies for any activities I want to do (which adds up really fast when you have about 240+ students) and you can see why I might want some extra money.

So now I feel extremely bitter towards the school. I've lost my goodwill really and I've even started to dread going there. For one thing, it's always super freezing there. For another, I really don't want to see my co-teacher. I don't even try to hide my disdain anymore. What is he gonna do, fire me? I'm probably one of the best native English teachers they've had in awhile. And actually that's not saying all that much because many of the foreign teachers here are a joke. Many come here not because they want to teach but because they can't get a job back in the States or something like that. Also the principle of the school loves me so if my co-teacher tried to fire me I'm pretty sure he'd get shot down pretty quickly.

And I hate feeling this way because it really just hurts the students in the end. But I tried so hard and the school really doesn't appreciate or even acknowledge it. So I've resigned myself to just getting by. I know that's not the best work ethic but for the sake of my sanity I can't do it anymore. I can't keep bending over backwards for a school that doesn't seem to even care one way or another. I mean that doesn't mean I'm just not gonna do anything at all, I'll still try to be a good teacher but only for the students and only inside the classroom. Any extra things the school might try to get me to do, I'm not going to and I don't want to.

The irony is, of course, that my school is obsessed with foreign teachers, they feel it's an absolute necessity to have one. But when they get one, no matter how good or bad, they treat us the same. Like we're disposable and replaceable things that have come only to serve as teachers and have no other ambitions, desires, or lives outside of school. If we're so necessary, why treat us like we're not? I'm not saying we should be put on a special pedestal or anything, but just treat us with some understanding and respect. There are going to be misunderstandings, cultural barriers, and tension but those problems aren't necessarily insurmountable ones.

I've also gotten quite tired of the teachers at my school, especially the male teachers. Actually I pretty much don't like any of them. One got all petty and immature because I rejected him (as in he has a GIRLFRIEND but still asked me out), another got all petty and immature because I "showed" my anger to him (it was already a BAD day and he literally shooed me away from my own classroom like I was a child-in front of my students-I might add because they were using it for something when no one had bothered to tell me and he didn't even explain, just shooed me away) and another one made the most unbelievable comment to one of my fellow young, female teachers. In order to understand the context of the comment, you need to know that for the past few years at my high school, an all girls school, there have been these weird, creepy guys who would come to the school at night (when the students have "self-study" which is until around 9pm) and would flash the girls. Like full-frontal. And of course the girls were scared (and probably grossed out). The school's solution? Have the lone teacher on duty to supervise the students also "patrol" the area.

Ok, first of all, sometimes there are 2 flasher guys who come together, so already the teacher is at a disadvantage. Secondly, a young, female teacher supervising alone is probably NOT a good idea. But it still happened anyway. Thirdly, what exactly can the teacher do to protect the students? They don't have a weapon, they're not trained in self-defense, I mean they have like nothing. So my fellow teacher was talking to another teacher about the situation and mentioned that she was worried about what could happen to her if she was alone, supervising and the men came. They could attack her or worse, rape her. Do you know what this male teacher said in response? That a woman getting raped is the same as when a male teacher feels "sick." I mean first of all, WTH? How does that even compare? I mean I'm not sure how you can compare rape to anything but especially that comparison is so unbelievably problematic. Rape is usually done by men to women. Rape is about power and the dynamics of gender power undoubtedly play a role for many men. So for a man to sit there and say that he could even comprehend rape for a woman or even dare compare it to "feeling sick" just made me see these male teachers just don't get it. I mean even in the cultural context of Korea where the gender dynamic still very much favors men over women, that's still a pretty incredible thing to say. Needless to say, the female teacher was pretty appalled herself.

Do you see? Do you see what I have to put up with? I mean there's being sexist, and then there's this.

That's my school in a nutshell. Oh there's been lots of other drama but I think you get the point now. Anyway, I'll keep updating but more like backtracking and hopefully will catch up by the time my vacation is over. **Crossed fingers**

First Days

Let's back up a bit before I completely forget how it all began. It was really overwhelming meeting so many new people, starting my new job, and being away from my new friends. The first month was by far the hardest. Suddenly I had to figure out how to be a teacher. I had to come up with lesson plans and discipline plans and all sorts of things you never think about unless you're a teacher. I also had to become very organized because I have 12 classes to keep in order, 2 different grades and levels I have to teach, on top of a somewhat complicated schedule. So I really didn't get much sleep or time to even really catch my breath that first month. But I think it paid off because the system I have in place now is working pretty well and is one I can keep using and adapting as need be.

My school being rigorous and all, expected me to teach 2 days immediately after I had moved from Orientation to my homestay. Despite clearly being exhausted, they were pretty firm that they wanted me to start right away. Not only that but they wanted me to teach more than I was expecting to teach. A lot more. Originally, according to my contract at least, I'm only supposed to be teaching a total of 20 hours a week. Most of my fellow teachers teach about this much or less (in some cases, much, much less--damn them). I teach about 24 hours a week, which doesn't sound so bad but factor in that I see all my classes twice a week so that not only am I teaching a lot but I also have a lot of lesson planning to do. And lesson planning does take time. A big part of teaching is being prepared. For anything. You really have to be on top of your game or else the lesson will inevitably fail. And not only that, but I've been trying to make the lessons as creative and interesting as possible so that the students are at least enjoying the lesson while they're learning. Especially for my "first-graders" (this is how they refer to high school freshman in Korea) who I teach using a boring textbook because the school wanted me to use the textbook. At least with my 2nd-graders (sophomores) Advanced classes the school gave me free reign to teach them as I pleased. I ended up agreeing to the extra hours because well, it didn't seem like I had much of a choice. I was also hoping that the school would perhaps be a bit more flexible with me later on in terms of scheduling, and the like if I was initially flexible with them.

Anyway, I was pretty nervous about my first day. I was tired, severely sleep-deprived and feeling wholly inadequate about myself as a teacher. Before this year I had never formally taught in a classroom and the only "teaching" experience I had was tutoring elementary school kids and working at a summer camp. Luckily the students had more than enough energy to make up for my lack--they were very excited about the "new foreign teacher" and would randomly shout "Hi!" to me in the hallway and giggle. In class they were also very excited and actually probably behaved best that first week. I made sure to be more strict than usual just so the students knew who was boss. But since I do teach at the best high school in my city, the students are already highly motivated and well-behaved. And since it's an all girls school, they're a bit easier to control, in my opinion, than boys. Honestly, I wouldn't know what to do with high school boys. High school girls, I can tease them about boyfriends (real or make-believe) and boy bands and their hair. Boys? I don't even know what I'd say to them.

The first day was definitely a day of learning for me. I learned that Korean teachers at my school always wear slippers when teaching (in fact, most Korean schools require this) and you're supposed to leave your regular shoes in a cubby by the entrance to the school. The students also wear slippers inside the school which is supposed to cut down on the dirtiness. The thing that doesn't make sense about that, however, is that since my class is in another building, I have to walk outside with my slippers and then back into the school. So it almost seems pointless to change shoes, but I guess it's better than nothing. And honestly, I really wouldn't want to teach in heels anyway. Slippers are much more comfortable. Although it is pretty amusing to see the male teachers all dressed up wearing suits with their slippers. Kind of ruins the whole effect of the suit if you ask me.

I also made two pretty embarassing mistakes that first day. So at one point, trying to perhaps foolishly assert my independence, I didn't ask anyone where the bathroom was--"I should be able to find the stupid bathroom by myself, right?" is how my thinking went. And actually it was pretty easy to find it. But then the bathroom itself is kind of weird because you go through the first open door and then there's 2 connected bathroom with entrances on either side and you choose one. I didn't see the signs so I just guessed and went left but just as I was doing that, one of the old male teachers yelled at me in Korean ("ya---where are you going???"). Oh my god, so embarrassing, I accidentally had started going into the men's bathroom. Which you're probably thinking right now: "so what?" and yeah, it maybe wouldn't have been such a big deal except that my school is super conservative and strict. Did I mention that my principal is a nun? Male and female teachers are always separated. It's really bizarre for me considering how much more fluid gender interactions are in the States. And I mean these are our co-workers and collegues, so it just seems strange to self-segregate all the time. Also, honestly I think guys/men/boys can add a different element to a group. The all-women's table at lunch hardly ever laughs while behind me, at the "men's" table, the guys sound like they're at least enjoying each others' company, talking and joking and laughing. And actually this leads into Mistake #2 that I made that first day....

So this mistake was actually not my fault. My co-teacher took me to the bank to open up an account and then took me to get my cell phone during one of my free periods and by the time we got back it was lunchtime. Not really having met any of the other teachers yet, I just sat with my co-teacher since he was the only person I knew at school. So I sat down next to him and this other young male teacher (who I later found out is very popular among the students) and notice as I'm eating lunch awkwardly that some students are pointing at us and whispering. I finally look around the lunch table and notice that I'm the only female teacher at the entire table. Then in horror, I look to the table behind me and notice that ALL the female teachers are sitting there. I turn and ask my co-teacher if I should in fact, be sitting at the other table. And he said "yes probably" but that for today it'd be okay to sit with him. I really wish, however, he would've told me that because it really was kind of strange for me to be sitting there.

The other thing about lunch is that because we eat in the cafeteria with the students (a few of the tables are reserved for us) there is limited space and definitely not enough tables for all the teachers so everyone rushes through lunch. Like seriously wolfs it down. Also, when you're finished eating, it's considered impolite to just leave. You should wait for everyone to finish eating before you leave. And when you're done eating, you put all your leftovers into your bowl and then when you return the tray, you dump the leftovers into this basket, put your spoon and chopsticks into another basket and then finally put the tray away. It makes it much easier for the kitchen staff to clean. And actually it makes sense because it makes it more efficient if everyone does just a little bit of work rather than leaving it all for the kitchen workers.

Also, because I am the "foreigner" I feel like I'm observed much more carefully than other teachers. If I don't put something on my tray from the hot line because I don't want to eat it, the teacher waiting behind me will almost always comment on it. So now I take everything, even if I don't really want it.

Really though, after the first 2 days or so everyone was so busy that they stopped paying so much attention to me. It was kind of awkward though because my birthday is the first week of September, so during the 2nd week of school really, and I wasn't expecting much because you know, I'd just met everyone. But my co-teacher made sure to tell all my students, and one of my classes surprised me with some choco-pie and cookies and a blackboard decorated with drawings and sayings dedicated to my birthday. It was really sweet and it really made my day. Secretly, it's one of my favorite classes not only because my host sister is in that class but because they did that for my birthday. And when I came home, my host mom and sister (who had to give a bogus excuse to get out of night study--more on that later) surprised me with a cake and candles. So all in all, I had a pretty amazing birthday considering I had just met all these new people. Oh and I had an awesome celebration in Seoul with my other friends that weekend so it really was a great birthday. Except for you know, not being able to celebrate with my friends and family from home. But still good.

Since those first days, I feel much more settled but I still feel like sometimes I'm not a "real" teacher. I really wonder what the other teachers think of me, this foriegner with no education background or training coming into their prestigious school and being called a "teacher." I do feel like I'm constantly having to prove something to them, prove that I'm a real teacher, that I really do care about the students, etc. It's exhausting. And it hasn't always been so great with my students either. Next up, a primer on Korean high school girls...

A Day In The Life

Ok, so it would be impossible to detail everything that's been going on since last I wrote since I've been a a big failure at keeping up with this blog. In a nutshell: I had a sort of difficult time adjusting to my new life outside of Orientation. Suddenly I was plunged into the "real" Korea and I felt pretty alone. I also am really shy when I first meet people and I'm generally kind of a quiet person so I think my homestay family and the teachers at my school thought I didn't like them or something. I was also incredibly exhausted from Orientation, and honestly I think by the end of it we were all a little sick of each other. Thus, I didn't really have the necessary energy to reach out to people and be outgoing and everything. Because I'm not naturally outgoing, it kind of takes a lot out of me to be doing that and I felt like I was always doing that during Orientation.

Now that I'm finally settled in and (relatively) comfortable, I've had a little bit more time to reflect and I've realized that I've had to adjust (actually, continuing to adjust) on so many levels:

Level 1: Culturally-simply put, there are some major cultural differences. And while some things are easier to swallow than others, it's obviously not always smooth sailing. Example: being politically correct is, shall we say, less emphazised here than in Ameria. Koreans will say things that make a bleeding-heart Liberal like myself blush bright red. For example, after I told my homestay mother about my half-Japanese, half-American friend who's currently in Japan, she proceeded to tell me that the Japanese are terrible and have done terrible things to Korea. Then she offered to take me to the city hall museum dedicated to the Japanese occupation. For another, they're always referring to me at school as the "foriegn/native" teacher. Everyone else is just "Teacher" but I am the "Foreign" Teacher. I'm also never "Korean" but the "Korean-American." And I feel more constrained in my actions here.

There are many cultural standards to follow, especially if you're a young woman who looks Korean. Showing your shoulder is a no-no (although some girls do it anyway). Wearing super-short skirts, however, seems to be more acceptable. Women aren't supposed to drink a lot of alcohol in public. Women are also never supposed to smoke in public. It's pretty rare to see a Korean woman smoking in public. It's a pretty big no-no. Men, however, smoke whenever and wherever they want. Things like that, where the gender differences are so obviously apparent can be difficult to swallow for me sometimes, as a woman and a feminist. But at the same time, I try not to compare and judge too much because honestly, it's not like America is so perfect either. As with everything, there are some really good things about Korea that I would like to see in America, and some really good things about America that I would like to see in Korea.

Moreover, Koreans put a great deal of emphasis on appearances, not just physical appearances but on everything--a common sight here is storeowners sweeping the street in front of thier stores. Likewise, rare indeed is the Korean household that is not immaculately clean (in fact, I doubt they even exist). Part of that emphasis on appearances is also a cultural expectation of service, which makes complete sense when you conisder that hierarchy is still very important to Koreans. In other words, both the emphasis on appearances and the emphasis on hierarchy (respect for elders is extremely important, there's even three different levels of formality embedded within the Korean language itself, one being casual, the second, formal, and the third very formal. What form you use depends on your age in relation to whom you're talking to or about. I know, kind of confusing and I barely know how to use the three forms myself) means there is also a great deal of expectation on the part of people in the service industry. Stores are almost always super-clean, salespeople friendly but aggressive. In fact, you can't escape them.

It has turned shopping into an ordeal for me beause I prefer to just browse and be left alone. Unforunately, this is nearly impossible to do in Korea beacuse salespeople feel like they have to constantly be at your service. Sometimes it's nice, like when you want help but most of the time I don't need it. Especially when I'm shopping for clothes, I like to just see what's in the store and not be bothered. Salespeople in Korea don't understand this concept and I think it weirds them out when I firmly tell them (in Korean, of course) "No , I'm not looking for anything, just browsing thanks."It's because Korean customers will usually gladly accept thier suggestions and want to be helped and so for me to refuse it is probably a bit rude. At the same time, I really don't like Korean clothes. I mean there's nothing horribly wrong with them, they're just not to my liking. I was really picky with clothes in the US and I'm even more so here. The most frustrating thing about the clothes here is that clothes are either fairly cheap (but also made of cheap material) or really expensive (and usually of a better quality) but there's no middle range. This is the range I'd usually shop in when I was in the States, clothes of a better quality but not the most expensive or cheapest. This, unfortunately, does not exist in Korea.

Anyway, Korean clothes tend to be very, very girly. Like postively dripping with bows, ribbons, sparkles, extra bunches of fabric, brooches, pins, and other interesting accoutrements. They also do funky things with the shirt like attach scarves or even necklaces to the front. It's like Koreans don't believe in that good ole saying "less is more"--some shirts I'd like minus all the extra things that, in my opinion, uglify the shirt. I've had to hunt for plainer shirts, which is harder than you might think. I've also been trying to find a decent hair clip but again, it seems here the blingier the better. Again, not my style. So let's just say, I don't have much a wardrobe right now and probably won't be buying many clothes while I'm here. Which I guess is good because it's forcing me to save money.

Level 2= Post-grad life--this is my first job out of college so I'm getting used to not going to classes anymore but teaching them. I'm getting used to waking up early and going to bed early. I'm getting used to having responsibilites and managing my schedule. I'm getting used to being treated like an adult (though many people comment often on how young I look--I've been mistaken for a high school student like a million times already). I'm getting used to not being in college anymore. I feel like I have to keep reminding myself "you're an adult now." It's strange. It's especially strange being away from all my actual college friends and being in a foreign country whilel all this is going on. Although in some way, it almost makes it easier because being here is like a distraction which is good because I think I would have otherwise really missed college.

On the other hand, I think in the eyes of many of my co-workers and fellow teachers, I'm practically like another student to them because I'm by far the youngest teacher at my school. The other "young" teachers are about 26-30 years old and then there's a bunch of pretty old teachers. Also my homestay mother and uncle both sort of treat me like I'm younger than I am. My hometstay mom has gotten a lot better actually, once I showed her I could get around on my own and that I really don't need or want anyone to be holding my hand (although she has held my hand-literally-in public before). I do my own laundry, occasionally wash the dishes, and have been on several short trips away, taking the train by myself. I mean the other thing is that I'm not completely clueless and I do know enough Korean to get around. I may not be able to speak it fluently, but compared to some of the other people in my program, I'm in a much easier position. In fact, I've tried hinting and finally telling my uncle that I AM AN ADULT. I lived on my own during college, went around cities by myself before, and I can figure things out for the most part, on my own. I know he's just trying to look out for me but honestly, does he think I just sit at my apartment every weekend and have my homestay mom walk me to the store or bus stop everytime I need to go somewhere? Hardly. So I wish he would understand that I'm neither a child nor an idiot and that I also do have a whole support network (fellow teachers, my co-teacher, my homestay family, etc.) who can help me IF I need it.

Level 3= Homestay Life--this is my first homestay experience. Not only that but I've had to adjust to living with parents again. Granted, I have some indpendence and stuff like that, but I eat whatever my homestay mom cooks for me. I have to always let her know if I don't plan on coming to dinner or if I'm going away for the weekend. It's also weird living with another family in general because every family has their own little quirks and things that is perfectly normal for them but might be a little strange for an outsider like me. So I've had to get used to having to answer to someone about my whereabouts and having a sort of curfew again. It's not terrible though because I'm too tired and busy to be going out partying all the time anyway. It's more that sometimes I wish I could just make dinner or breakfast for myself. Or do other things like that that would make me feel more like an "adult". Sometimes I feel like my homestay mom thinks I'm another high school daughter she has to take care of so I try to show my independence as much as I can. I'm also getting used to having a younger pseudo-sibling since I was the youngest in my own family. But I like it because I'm not really responsible for her like a real sister but I can do things like take her out to eat and hang out with her. On the other hand, I do feel like I have to a role model for her and I know that the host mom expects as much from me.

Level 4= Identity-wise--being a Korean-American in Korea is a friggin' surreal experience. I don't even know who or what I am anymore because I'm not "Korean" enough to be Korean but I certainly don't fit the Korean idea of "American" (i.e. white skin) either. Sometimes I feel like I'm more Korean, like when I speak Korean and don't get questioned about where I'm from or why I can't speak Korean well, etc. Sometimes I feel super-American, especially when I'm at school and the students ask me a million questions about America or when I'm at home with my homestay mom who also asks me to constantly compare the two countries ("Does American corn taste better than American corn?" "No" "Aren't Korean grapes better than American ones? "Yes." "What do Americans say to excuse themselves when they've passed gas?" "Ummmm....haha.....uh....nothing really." "Don't Americans eat hamburgers and pizza everyday?" "Um, no.") .

But most of the time I feel like I'm just right in between being Korean and America. Although some theorists/academics have questioned the literal label of "Korean-American" (hypen? no hypen? some other alternative symbol? why not "American-Korean?" etc.) I feel like that hypen is the perfect expression of exactly where I am right now in terms of my identity. For me, the hyphen is important because it directly connects my two identies, which are not separate and discrete for me but always like an interlocking puzzle without a solution. Sometimes I can slip through the cracks and walk along the streets just like all the other Koreans and pass by without notice but then usually something will happen that will remind me that I'm not really Korean as when I try speaking in Korean to someone and they'll instantly recognize I'm a "gyopo" (a Korean born and raised in a foriegn country).

But when people want to know certain things about America and I can't answer them because I don't know (my parents are Korean immigrants) then I feel like I'm not really American. I can't offer the stereotypical American experience for them which is after all, what they're expecting from an American. But this, of course, is from the Korean point of view, because they don't quite understand I think (and this, of course is a major generalization that isn't true of all Koreans) how multicultural America is and also because what they see and hear about America is usually from a white-dominated media, their idea of America is the stereotypical "white America" which, of course, is really only half the story. And so, while I do feel sorry that I can't offer them that particualr American experience that they're expecting from a foreigner, I do think it's good that I can perhaps, complicate their idea of what it means to be American or even what it means to be multicultural. Korea is a fairly homogenous country, which is an interesting change of pace from America. Although because I live in a city, there are actually quite a number of foreigners here besides myeself although they seem to keep to themselves mostly.

It's funny because I had prepared myself for exactly this issue, as in I knew this would happen before I even came to Korea but it's still so different when you're actually dealing with this issue each and everyday.

On a funnier note, I think some Koreans think I'm slow or something, as in I have a mental problem because my Korean is obviously not perfect and I use pretty simple vocabulary and grammar. I've had several salespeople and other Koreans start speaking very slowly and loudly to me which is let me tell you, really annoying because there's nothing actually wrong with me. Or they start trying to speak English with me, which I sincerely appreciate, but it kind of defeats the purpose of me trying to speak Korean as much as I can since I hardly speak it (the school asked me not to speak it at all at school or with my homestay sister). But I'm also trying to get over my hesitation to speak Korean because I always feel extremely self-conscious whenever I speak it.

This would be the result of my Korean friends in the states, both Korean-Americans and Koreans from Korea who would always make fun of my (admitedly terrible) Korean. Maybe they didn't think it was a big deal, but shit like that lasts with you. It really made me reject learning Korean even more so and so I never tried to get better. But the friends I've made in Korea are great because they never put me down because of my "bad" Korean and they've told me I'm actually good (which I don't believe) but it's nice to hear. And it helped my confidence that during Orientation I was decent enough to get placed into the Intermediate class. Anyway, actually I thought it would be a lot worse in Korea with people constantly ridiculing my Korean, but once I tell them that I'm from America they understand and don't say anything bad. Which is really nice actually. And I think they like to see that I'm trying to use Korean, however incorrect it is. And also, that I've come back to the "Motherland."

The other thing is that once Koreans realize I'm from America, they want my whole life story--where I lived, where my parents are from in Korea, if they were born here, what they do for a living, what I'm doing in Korea, etc. It's happened so often already that it almost makes me want tp print up a t-shirt with my story on it and I'd just wear it around everywhere and just point at the shirt when they started asking questions. It would say: "Yes, I'm a gyopo. Yes, my parents were born and raised in Korea. Yes, they live in America now. I'm in Korea as an English teacher. I'm a high-school teacher at an all-girls school. Yes, Korea is much better than America." The last one is not sonething I entirely agree with (of course) but what Koreans expect me to answer. One thing I've realized about Koreans--give them the answer they want. I think I slipped up in the beginning because when asked by my vice-principal if it was hard teaching and everything and I said "a little bit" I think he was a little taken aback that I was honest. I've realized since then that I really should've just said "no, it's going great!" with a big smile on my face. Which is how I answer him now. And I think he likes that a lot better.

So that's a snapshot of what I'm going through right now (let's not even get into the huge life decions facing me, studying for LSAT's, etc.). Next post, I'm going to rewind and talk about my 1st day of school.

Cravings

Just a quick post about something I thought I'd have the least trouble with in Korea--the food. Now, don't get me wrong, the Korean food here is delicious (um, of course) but there is some food I'm not crazy about. For one thing, much of the "Western-style" food here leaves much to be desired. Case in point: I've had "spaghetti" a few times since I've been here, twice at a restaurant and once at my homestay and all left me feeling disappointed and craving real pasta. The way they do spaghetti here, unsurprisingly, is to spice it up, which isn't so bad, just unexpected. But the pasta they use and the sauce aren't quite up to par with "real" spaghetti.

And my homestay mom served me this strange concoction tonight which she calls "spaghetti" but is certainly not, nor ever will be, "spaghetti." It was sitting there on a plate, with a side of lettuce-like things and pickles. The spaghetti itself was pasta, a hint of sauce, octopus bits, and cheese. Yes, octopus and cheese together in one dish. With pasta. It was not good. Now, my homestay mom is not a terrible cook, her Korean food is pretty good (no one can top my mom's cooking, of course) but this spaghetti was nearly inedible for me. I mean I think I could have dealt with the cheese and octopus separately, but sitting there together on the plate was almost too much. Actually I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it. I should have taken a picture to show how gross it looked, but I really didn't want to remember that meal ever again. The picture below, however, is a pretty good rendering of what my meal might look like if it were to come to life minus the cheesiness and red sauce.
(Courtesy of http://www.venganza.org/)*

I guess you should also know that I'm not a fan of octopus (tentacles are a big turn-off for me) or cheesy things so it was pretty much my nightmare meal sitting on a plate. Ironically enough, pasta is one of my favorite things to eat so it was a literal collision of the best and worst foods for me. I almost cried while simultaneously feeling like I was going to throw up. Ok, not really but you know what I mean. And to top it all off, this morning, yes, in the morning, my homestay mom gave me the usual rice with side dishes that I get at every meal but she served me this soup this morning which had--that's right--octopus in it. Argh. And yuck. God I miss pasta. Do you know what else I miss? Well, here's a list in case you're really bored/curious: (in no particular order)

1) TastyKake--if you're from NJ, NY, or PA you'd understand. TastyKakes are these delicious pasteries that are probably absolutely awful for you health-wise but just so...tasty. If happiness could be packaged, it would look (and taste) like a TastyKake.

Happiness packaged and sold.

2) Pasta--real pasta, long strands of noodley goodness and red sauce (oh the different flavors of red sauce) and the Parmesean cheese (none of that melted American cheese nonesense) and garlic and oregano and spices. Yummmmm.

3) Cheesesteaks--I rarely ate them at home, but having the option to was nice. They're best eaten once a year as they are so unbelievably bad for you health-wise, absolutely nothing nutritious about them really, but so good. They are also best eaten at midnight with friends, all melted cheesy goodness and meat and toasted bread. Oh and if you think you can eat a cheesesteak without making a huge friggin' mess all over yourself, think again my friend. Impossible. In fact, if the cheesesteak isn't served to you as one big sloppy mess of goodness, it's probably not gonna be a very good cheesesteak. Anyway, I really doubt you can find anything quite like this in Korea...

Authentic Philly Cheesesteak = happiness + ruining your health.

4) Soft Pretzels--when done right, these are sooo good. They should be fresh from the oven, still warm and super soft. They shouldn't be too salty and with melted cheese, they're amazing. Simple but wonderful.


5) Milk--um, you don't need a picture of this, do you? Anyway, obviously they have milk in Korea, but it's like fake milk to me. For one, I'm used to whole milk (rich and creamy--the way milk should be) and the milk in Korea, according to one of my friends, lacks lactose (try saying that 10 times fast). It just doesn't taste like milk to me. On the other hand, orange juice and juices in general are much tastier in Korea. The orange juice in particular I like much better here because it's sweeter and not as tangy. And the soda here is less sugary and artificial tasting because I've heard they put less artificial sweeteners and things like that in it. Not sure if this is true, but it does taste better. And my teeth don't hurt after I drink soda here.

6) Granola + yogurt. Again, Korea has yogurt (I'd be so incredibly depressed if they didn't have yogurt) but no granola. Where's all the granola? I don't know but they don't got it here. Instead of granola, they have this weird thing where they eat like cereal with the yogurt. I don't like it. I want granola damnit!

7) Real Coffee--Koreans don't like coffee machines. Or something. Because I have yet to see one in a house here and my school certainly doesn't have one. They all drink these instant coffee mixes that have sugar and everything in them already. They're ok but they're not really coffee. (~$3-5) They don't have as much kick or something as real coffee. It's like having the diet version of something, not bad but not the real deal either. I want me some real coffee! And real coffee, at least in the few coffee shops I've been to is kind pricey, about 3000-5000₩. In fact, I've been thinking about buying a coffee machine for my homestay family, 1) because I bought them Starbucks coffee (which was ridiculously expensive b/c I bought it in Korea and they jacked up the prices like whoa) for thier initial present, and 2) because then I could have real coffee once in awhile.






Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. And yes, I sorta look like that dude on the left after that 1000th sip of coffee I have everyday. On the right, "Taster's Choice" in Korean.






As I'm sure there are other foods I've forgotten, I will be adding and updating to the list as the year goes on. And next up, a post about the deliciousness that can be had in Korea.

*Um, this site is real and...I'm not sure, a satirical take on the Church? I haven't really read through it so it's very possible it might offend people. Or it's just a guy who really believes in the Flying Spaghetti Monster and I've just offended others who also believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Oh well.

The End of the Beginning

The last week of Orientation was probably the worst week of the whole program because there was just so much going on you barely had time to think or breathe. There were 2 talent shows, a "graduation" ceremony for our Korean class, last-minute prep for what would come after Orientation (they made it sound sometimes like DOOMSDAYm all hushed tones and solemn faces), the feeling you had to make the most of your time with your friends while you still had them, and lots of dinners and parties. It was just pure, unadulterated craziness. The final weekend of Orientation we came to Seoul. Oh Seoul, how I love thee. I'd heard so much hype about it and was kind of skeptical but it really is a great city. Huuuugggeee but wonderful. I'm actually pretty glad my placement is only an hour away from there.

I can't really describe it but Seoul is something you have to experience. There's just so much going on everywhere and it's fairly easy and cheap to get around. In fact, so far I've been really impressed with the Korean public transportation system. It's cheap, fairly clean, not too hard to navigate (almost all the signs are in Korean, English and Chinese), pretty efficient and fast. And taxis here are pretty cheap too, especially if you go with a bunch of people. I actually skipped out on all the touristy things while in Seoul because I figured I could and probably would be doing all that later anyway. I ended up mostly just going shopping because I had to buy presents for my homestay family, my school's principle, vice-principle, and my co-teacher (my guide for the year) but it's so hard to buy presents for people you know next to nothing about and whom you haven't even met yet. I ended up buying pretty random stuff for my hometay family, a mix of things brought from America and things bought in Seoul. I actually still need to buy presents for other people because there wasn't too much time to buy things or I went to the wrong places. Shopping is pretty easy in Seoul because there's basically different districts or areas that are known to sell specific things. For example, the area near Ehwa University (the all-women's college) is known to have a bunch of clothing and accesories stores for women that are a bit cheaper than other parts of Seoul. There are tons of markets in Seoul, some where you can and should haggle and barter at.

Anyway, in Seoul we met up with our Korean teachers at a bar in Hongdae. Hongdae has a vibe that reminds me a little bit of New York City, that sort of young, urban, artsy vibe. There's a really good art college there so the scene is definitely younger and hipper than in other parts of Seoul. Our teachers were actually happy to see us and that Sat. night, everyone got crazy drunk. Like seriously. I was late to the party because I was out shopping and had to do stuff so by the time I got to the bar where everyone else was, everyone was pretty trashed. It was probably one of the craziest nights I've had in a loooong time, mostly due to the fact that the dorm we were staying in had a curfew so we had to either be back by 1 or stay out until 5:30. So we stayed out all night, mostly at a bar, then a noraebang (karoke room) and then at a resturant. And we were so sleepy by the time we got back we just passed out in our rooms. Good times but probably something I won't do again for a long time. Too tiring.

Then Monday came, and it was the day we were all going to leave for our homestays. So first, we had to dress up because we were going to be meeting people from our schools, and then we had this little ceremony where the schools found out which teacher they'd gotten. Some of the schools were so adorable, they had flowers or big banners for the teachers. Mine, not so much, haha. But that's ok because my co-teacher (essentially my "guide" for the year) and my vice-principle were really nice.

Then we had lunch, a very awkward lunch, with the schools at which I was informed I should not speak in Korean at school. At all. Not even to the teachers. Which kind of sucks because I really would like to improve my Korean. But I guess hearing it will also help. After a massive lunch, we went back to the reception area and hung out for awhile, then we separated into our respective groups again (us and the schools) and said our final goodbyes to everyone. It was kinda sad but actually I think we were all too nervous to be too sad about it. Also, I know it sounds dumb, but you really can get pretty close to people after 6 weeks of living with them and even though I knew I'd be seeing them again for conferences and trips, it still wouldn't be the same. Most of my close friends from Orientation were placed in the other part of the country, so I knew I wouldn't be seeing them too often probably. It also reminded me of how I'd said goodbye to all my American friends just 2 months ago and god, I hate saying goodbyes. I'd rather not even say the word because it makes everything seem so...final. Like your closing the door on something forever.

Anyway, we then were plunged into chaos as we merged again with the schools, this time to be taken away to our new homes and schools. I ended up taking the train with my co-teacher and vice-prinicple and we all fell asleep on the train. Haha. My co-teacher had found out I had relatives in the city I was going to and had me call my uncle. My uncle ends up picking all of us at the train station. It is then they tell me that we are going to the school so I can meet the principle. You have to understand that this was a complete surprise for me because 1) I was under the impression that I would be visiting my school the next day and 2) I looked like a hot, sweaty mess from wearing business/formal clothes in 90 degree weather and from falling asleep on the train. So we all go to what will be my school for the year and I try to fix myself up as fast as I can without a mirror and finally meet The Prinicpal.

So I had already known that my high school was Catholic but I didn't realize that The Principal would be a nun. Most principal positions (and most leadership-type positions) in Korea, as almost everywhere else, are held by me. So I was quite surprised to see my principal was a nun. It also changed pretty much everything they had told us about The Principal at Orientation, i.e. a good gift to give your princial: alcohol and advice like that which didn't really apply for my situation.

After that I'm finally taken to my new home and have an awkward first meeting with my co-teacher, homestay family, uncle and aunt. It was...interesting. My uncle also insisted on taking us out to dinner which was also pretty awkward. I was so tired I could barely stay awake the whole time but I feel bad so I try to talk to my new family but it takes too much energy to think of questions. I somehow stay up for a few hours after dinner to talk with my host sister, who's a freshman in high school (high school in Korea is only 3 years), pretty good at English, and really sweet. It's interesting because half the family is gone--the brother's away serving his army time (by law, all Korean men have to serve 2 years in the army in between the ages of 20-30) and the dad had to move to another town 2 hours away when the factory he worked for changed locations. I was actually kind of relieved because I figured it would be a lot more comfortable with just the mom and the sister.

Next up, my 1st week of school, learning my way, adjusting to a homestay and finally realizing I'm not in America anymore...

Surreality

Ok, I've seriously been meaning to blog now for like weeks and haven't. I suck. But now I'm going to try and catch up, at least on the big things that have happened. So let's start with the 2nd half of Orientation, which I haven't talked about at all. Korean class was hard and annoying b/c I didn't care that much (I mean I cared but I knew that 4 weeks worth of grammar wouldn't do me any good anyhow) but everyone else did. I swear when we had our final exam (yes we had a final) everyone was like freaking out about it, me included. But actually, even though my teacher claimed we would get sent home if we failed, I knew there was no way that was true. I studied for the exam more because I really liked and respected my teachers and wanted to show them I'd put in some effort at least.

So the last few weeks of Orientation were crazy. There was tons of drama (mostly bad), lots of it involving me (maybe I am a Drama Queen and this is why there's always drama with me involved). Let's just say it was stressful. And I'd say, some of it partially was my fault, but not entirely. I think it's hard in this type of situation where you're with people like 24/7 so you feel close to them but you forget that you don't know them as well as you think you do and they don't know you as well as you think and want them to. It's just the nature of the beast. But it still sucks. Looking back, (from the vantage point of exactly 1 week after the end of Orientation), I think most of it had to do with being surrounded by people 24/7 and just living in a somewhat tense/stressful environment. It's actually really exhausting for me to be around people all the time, strange as that may sound. I need some privacy and "me-time" once in awhile. Which incidentally, I don't think I'll be getting much of this year. But maybe that will be good for me.

Anyway, I was torn because by the end of it, I was just so ready to leave Orientation. But I knew that I'd really miss my friends. And I do. A lot. So it was kind of bittersweet that last crazy day.

Ok but let me back up and talk about some of the craziness that went down beforehand. So I think the last Sat. we had for Orientation, we were told last minute that we'd been invited to go see the DMZ (the Demilitarized Zone, aka the border between North and South Korea). And this was an opportunity I could not pass up. And it was free.


Anyway, on the way there we stopped by the last town before the DMZ, Hwacheon, which is in the mountains. We'd been invited to their annual Tomato Festival (the town is known for it's tomatoes) and we were all pretty curious about what a Tomato Festival would look like. So before we get off the bus we're given t-shirts from the festival and told to wear them. It's like 120 degrees outside and they want us to put on another t-shirt. Great. Then we get off, mill around, watch people dressed in crazy costumes, etc. until we're told to line up. So we line up, and then we're told to start walking. And we're following the other people in the parade and we soon realize we're not just watching the festival/parade, we're actually in it.

We keep walking, passing various people along the way, some of whom spray us with water. Which is actually ok b/c it's like, as I said, 120 degrees. We finally reach a sort of cleared out field where the rest of the town is gathered and announced as "the foreigners" or something like that. More people come, we wait, then we walk back to our bus. I'd give more descriptions, but I think pictures are much more effective. I'll post them when I can (logistical problems now).

Anyway, we leave Hwacheon to finally go to the DMZ, which is a sort of hellish long bus ride, hellish mostly because the ac is barely on and it's broiling hot on the bus. Everyone keeps dozing off b/c it's so hot. We finally get to the DMZ, located way up in the mountains and it's actually a very beautiful view. We go to this building which turns out to be an observation deck, which is literally right next to the border (as the soldier-guide told us, one step over and we'd probably be shot at). He explains that techinally , South and North Korea are still at war (since there was no official declaration of the sort) and that the area between the border (b/c both countries are about 4 km removed from the literal border) is completely uninhabited and probably one of the best-preserved pieces of land because it's been so long without humans. It was really interesting but not quite as exciting as I thought it would be. For one thing, all you saw were mountains. No North Korean soldiers or anything were in view, even with the telescope.

So that was the DMZ. I will probably go again but go to the more touristy part of it where I've been told you can see North Korean propaganda, etc. I actually find North Korea and Kim Jong-il fascinating because the situation just seems so...peculiar. I actually came back and started researching both online and really wish my college had offered a class on North Korea b/c I know almost nothing about it. Or South Korea for that matter.

And that concludes Part 1 of "The End of Orientation." Stay tuned for Part 2!

All The Small Things

**this was written about 3-4 weeks ago which I've only now gotten around to actually posting**

Ok, it's been a crazy few weeks. Please forgive the lack of regular updates as previously promised. I'll start with Songnisan, which was really nice. It was just really nice getting off campus and going away somewhere. And it was really pretty, although we didn't get to do or see much while we were there because it was raining so much. So there was no hiking but it was super-nice just relazing too. My uncle came to visit me while I was there because I think it's closer for him than the university. Having never met him before I wasn't sure who to look for but he recognized me right away because I look just like my mother (handy in situations like this I suppose). I had a nice if weird time with him, my aunt and cousin (who's around my age). Weird only because my uncle acts so much like my dad but doesn't really look like him.

Anyway, while at Songnisan we stayed in a pretty nice hotel and shared one room with 4 people which wasn't *nearly* as bad as I anticipated. It was actually really nice since I bonded a lot with my roomates there, lots of late-night talking sessions, etc. Oh and we had a tv which we don't have at the dorm so we got hooked on this really popular Korean reality tv show, "We Got Married' which is a really fun show. The basic premise is that these Korean celebrities are set up with each other and are pretending to be "married" so they live together and have to do certain things for each other. I don't know what it is but it's just really fun watching how awkward or surprisingly lovey-dovey some of these couples are.

We also went out to eat a lot while at Songnisan(of course) and I had my first experience of eating Korean fried chicken which is seriously the best fried chicken I've ever had. They had all these delicious spices and sauces which went perrfectly with the chicken. Mmmmmm. I also had my first "noraebang" or karoke experience that weekend and it was really fun. I don't know why Americans don't have karoke like this because it's a nice alternative to clubbing or bar-hopping, it's safer, and it's hilarious watching drunk people sing their hears out. I guess I'm not one to talk since I was one of those people singing my heart out. Heh.

While at Songnisan we also visited the Buddhist temple there which was a really amazing experiene. The temple had beautiful views and this ginormous gold Buddha statue which was breath-taking. We also got to see the monks perform a drum ceremony which was also really wonderful to see. I was pretty annoyed though because while they were performing, all these people from my group were getting really close to them to take pictures and were taking like a million pictures so there were flashes going off like every 10 seconds. People were also talking which I felt was a bit disrespectful since it was a religious ceremony we were watching. It made me hate myself for being a tourist myself. Oh but the worst was when the monks went inside one of the temples to pray and they had specifically posted signs asking people not to take pictures and people were peering in through the doors taking pictures anyway. While they were praying. I mean, would you go to a Christian church or a Jewish temple and take pictures of people praying? I think that was definitely crossing the line of appropriate behavior.

In fact, I have to say I've been, perhaps naiviely. astounded by how ignorant some of the people in my group are. Or, if not ignorant, just some of the comments that have been made and the attitutes I've seen exhibited by many of them. I understand for many people it's their first real contact with an Asian/non-Western culture/country but you would think that people would try to keep a more open mind if they applied for a program like this. Actually there have been a number of little things that have been driving me crazy while I've been here. And the worst part is that we're so busy all the time with Korean language classes, prepping for lessons, teaching, attending mandatory workshops, meetings, and events that I haven't had much time to properly reflect, process and digest how I'm feeling in relation to all these little things. And lately, all these little things have been really adding up.

Let's start with how we've been treated during orientation, which is seriously as high-schoolers. We're constantly being lectured and reprimanded and while they keep insisting we be on our best professional behavior, I have to say I've never had an employer treat me like this. I feel like we've also been constantly monitored, we have to sign out if we leave the dorms overnight or over the weekend, and we're constantly talked down to. It's gotten a bit better lately but I still feel like the majority of our workshops have been complete wastes of time. They're three hours when they could easily be condensed to 1-2 hours, they're not interes ting or informative and we have them all the time. It gets so incredibly boring just sitting there being talked at for 1 hour, let alone 3 hours.The worst workshop we've had so far was by an ex-pat who was also an alum of the program. It was about Korean culture, I suppose, but it was such an incredibly biased view of Korea. I mean, clearly the guy has a major problem with Korea because his whole presentation was so extremely negative and critical of Korea. Look, I'm not saying that Korea is perfect or that these types of problems don't exist but it's problematic because it's feeding some people's already negative attitutde towards Korea even more. Not only that but he never bothered to specifically state that what he was presenting was a biased and invididual perspective and I actually heard so many people after the workshop walk away having soaked up all his "information" without so much as critically examining it or even questioning it. And that's a problem because most of us will probably experience a very different Korea than the one he was presenting, that may be worse or better but different nonetheless.

In fact, as I've talked to some of the other Korean-Americans here, many of us agree that the way they treat and present Korea to us is from an obviously biased/Western perspective. All our speakers are American, the program is run by Americans and we're stuck in this little American bubble. And as one of my friends so insightfully said to me, these types of programs tend to cater to the Americans without much regard for people who might already be familiar with the culture and language of the country. In fact much of the tension I can sense among our group I think comes from this divide. It's frustrating being in this position where you're probably more familiar with the culture than even the people "teaching" about it. And besides, culture is something you just have to experience, not something that can really be "taught." I guess I'm just tired of people complaining about Korea or making comments about how "weird" Koreans are or whatever. I'm also tired of people constantly assuming I'm fluent at Korean or intimately familiar with the culture and asking me questions that I don't know (and they expect me to know because...?) or that are just ridiculous questions to be asking in the first place. There's excusable ignorance (becuase I too am learning and adjusting) and then there's just ignorance that makes you really wonder why some people are even here.