The Hell that was High School

I'm gonna go on a tangent now. Mostly because I'm tired of thinking about Korea all the time and I'm a little tired of being here right now. But also because if there's one experience that really shaped me, it was my horrible high school experience. When I tell people about it, I don't think they ever really believe me when I say how terrible it was. And to a certain degree, I can understand that. There are plenty of people who hated high school besides me but I think that for most people, high school was just ok (unless you were one of those mofo's who actually liked high school). And it's hard to convey the absolute suckiness that was my high school if you didn't go there. I'll admit that while my hormones and general teenage angsty-ness certainly had something to do with my hatred, looking back on it I think I would have hated it no matter what.

For one, I was constantly under a ton of pressure to do well, a pressure I felt from literally everyone around me--my family, my friends (who also were competing with me in some respects), and my peers who would make these little comments to me or pigeonhole me as the "nerdy, smart Asian." Not to mention the pressure I put on myself to do well. Ironically, I must say it was mostly out of my very hatred for my high school that drove me to do well. The light at the end of the tunnel for me was knowing that I would one day be attending a top-ranked college and that most of my classmates would not be. Petty? Yes. But I know I'm not the only person who felt this way about their high school classmates. But I'll say this time and again: being able to get good grades in high school is really not about being "smart." It's mostly about memorizing information, time management and following orders. And I happened to be good at all those things.

Anyway, you're probably wondering why I hated my school so much. It really was because of the people who went to my school. While there were a few people who were ok, the vast majority of people who attended my school were rich, spoiled, snobby kids who didn't care about anything but themselves. And the kids who weren't rich sure tried to act like they were. Even then the whole thing disgusted me. For one, I never understood the whole "popular" clique thing. I mean they were all practically clones of each other, wearing the same ugly yet trendy clothes, sickeningly orange spray tans and those godawful Uggs. If you have money, my god, why don't you buy some better clothes??? That's one thing that really drives me crazy--if you've got the money but you still dress like crap. Anyway, I never, ever wanted to be friends with these people and I kept my distance from them as much as possible. And for the life of me I couldn't understand why there was so much hype about these uninteresting, not very intelligent, nor witty, nor charming group of people. I remember I had to suppress a laugh when some of the
"it" girls of my high school would come in wearing 4-inch stilettos. Like, really? Who are you trying to impress?

Then there were all the wanna-bes. Which in a way, I thought was even worse-trying so hard to be something that isn't even worth imitating. Then there was everyone else. I felt mostly throughout my high school career that I fit in absolutely nowhere. I wasn't goth or punk, I wasn't a complete nerd, I wasn't "Korean enough" for the Koreans, etc. etc. I felt like I was always trying to find my way, my people but neither were to be found at my high school. While I had friends, I had less and less as the years went by, partly because of typical differences that drive people apart but mostly because I began to see people's true colors. And I didn't really like what I saw. I began to see just how different I was from everyone else (people at my school thought it was absolutely strange that I actually enjoyed reading The New York Times everyday and that I in fact, hated Uggs--and still do). I was always looking forward to the future (my God I couldn't wait for graduation) and I knew that high school was just a stepping stone for me. For other people, high school was it. Which I think is way worse. I mean, to peak that young, that early can't be good.

By the time my high school prom rolled around, I thought "screw it--why am I gonna waste all this money and time to go to a lame dance with a bunch of people I don't even like?" So I didn't go. I didn't even really consider going. And I honestly don't regret it at all. I don't think I would have enjoyed myself if I went and I probably wouldn't have let myself enjoy it really. For some reason, this always surprises people. Maybe I'm the weird one, but I don't see what the big effin' deal is. It's a glorified high school dance. That's it.

So recently I was invited to my high school's facebook group. And I hesitated, actually, more like mulled over whether or not to join. I know, such a stupid thing to waste time thinking about but I was really torn because part of me wanted to get a glimpse into what my former classmates were up to (did all my predictions come true?) but part of me really wanted to bury those 4 years of my life forever. But in the end, I cracked and joined. And I have gotten some admitedly smug satisfaction looking at my former classmate's tiny pictures (since I'm not facebook friends with most of them, of course) and even in those small sizes I can tell that many of them are not aging well. Many have gained a significant amount of weight (perhaps all that binge drinking they've been engaging in since high school?) and damn, it shows. Many do not look nearly as attractive as they did in high school (perhaps all that fake tanning they've been doing since high school?) And many of them just look old and haggard (perhaps from too much partying?). And yes, as terrible as it sounds, it does make me feel good. I know for a fact that I look better now than when I was in high school. I mean, that's not actually saying much since I didn't have time to really care how I looked in high school and it definitely showed (let's just say, the eyebrows weren't tweazed, the legs weren't always clean-shaven, the hair was usually a mess, the eyes always had dark shadows, I was a bit chubbier then, and my fashion sense definitely hadn't developed then). But I definitely grew more into my face, which was still very much a baby face when I was in school. I lost some weight (no dieting, just started eating healthier). And the rest of the grooming is good now, I think. Basically, I feel like I hit my true adolescence later than everyone else. But I'd prefer looking better now than in high school.

I know I'm not the only one who secretly likes seeing people they formerly disliked not looking their best. I know, I know, it's mean, it's petty, but it makes me feel like all the pain, all the crap I had to go through in high school was totally worth it. While I wasn't exactly bullied or anything serious like that, I still got a lot of crap. I had "friends" back stab me, people saying the most ignorant things to me, oh and people using me. Oh god I absolutely hated group projects. Especially when you couldn't choose who you could work with. I'd usually end up with the slackers or worse, and because everyone knew I was gunning for the top, they knew I'd do all the work anyway. Which is usually what ended up happening. Even if the other members did try to contribute it wasn't usually "A" material. So I'd do it all by myself to ensure a good grade. It killed me that everyone else would get a good grade because of me. But so it goes.

I could go on and on but I'm sure everyone has thier own bitter high school stories. All I can say is thank god for an amazing college experience that really made all that hard work and torture that was high school for me pay off. Corny and cliched as it sounds, I really felt like I "found" msyelf, my people and my way in college. So, as bitter as I still am about high school, in the end I know it was the tradeoff for having a good college experience. And to me, it wasn't such a bad tradeoff after all.